


Am I good enough yet?

by Shirosaki



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Happy Ending, Hospitalization, IMSRY GUYS, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Not, One Shot, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Social Anxiety, Suicide Attempt, i worked so hard on this story jfc, my baby michael im so soRRY
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-11
Updated: 2016-07-11
Packaged: 2018-07-14 09:14:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7165004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shirosaki/pseuds/Shirosaki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His shoulders shake with every sob that comes out of him, he can't take this, doing this everyday. It's tiring, trying to be happy in front of interviewers, his fans, his band members, his boyfriend. He doesn't wanna go to the interview because his wrists hurt, his thighs hurt, his heart hurts, everything hurts. Michael doesn't want to tell anybody due to the fact he's scared of what they'll think of him, scared of disappointing people, scared of making people worry too much over something small. To Michael his problem is only something small that he can hide to make others happy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Am I good enough yet?

**Author's Note:**

> hello if you're very easily triggered by self harming, panic attacks, self confidence issues and attempting suicide, please do not read this!! in the story michael will have major depression and try to hide it from his band mates and his boyfriend, calum. this story is not romanticizing depression at all!! ive been working on this story for over a month, i have a lot of people dying to read this because they've already seen a few paragraphs. thank you for choosing this story. please review once you're done reading. i love reviews!

Michael closes his eyes, letting out a shaky breath as tears start to fall from his eyelashes. They taste like watered down salt on his lips, it's something he's gotten used to over the past months. His hands clench his knee caps as he sits on the toilet, trying not to breathe to heavily or they will notice. Michael ran to a public bathroom as soon as he felt the sudden knot of twist in his stomach and the tightness of his throat, he hates himself for this happening. His breathing quickens as his mind reminds him of all the mistakes he's made, all the people that don't like him due to his flaws. Michael sniffles before letting out a light sob covering his face with his hands as he bites down on his bottom lip to quieten his heavy breathing.

His shoulders shake with every sob that comes out of him, he can't take this, doing this everyday. It's tiring, trying to be happy in front of interviewers, his fans, his band members, his boyfriend. Today they were going to an interview and Michael just so happened to be feeling like shit since his cuts reopened when he took a shower and he had to make everyone wait because of him. His wrists hurt, his thighs hurt, his heart hurts, everything hurts. Michael doesn't want to tell anybody due to the fact he's scared of what they'll think of him, scared of disappointing people, scared of making people worry too much over something small. To Michael his problem is only something small that he can hide to make others happy.

Michael's eyes start to water again as he thinks of all the people he's upset, the people he's disappointed. If he tells Calum, he'll think he's a freak because he's hurting himself. He knows it's not the right thing to do but it's hard to resist the urge when you feel like you deserve it so much.

The sense of dread washes over him as he thinks of telling Calum, his best friend, his boyfriend, he has depression and he just can't do the whole band thing until he's okay. Everyone will be disappointed and it's all his fault for making everyone's dreams crash because of something stupid.

"Michael? You in here?"

Panic takes over Michael as he quickly rubs is eyes and face to get rid of the tear marks, his watery eyes. He clears his throat, "Y-yeah I'll be out in a sec."

"Are you okay? You sound a little sick."

Michael licks his chapped lips before saying, "I'm fine Calum, just something in my throat."

"Alright, I'll wait outside then."

He waits until he hears the door close before sighing and unlocking the stall door, looking around to see if anyone's there before quickly walking to the sink, getting a paper towel and wetting it before rubbing it over his face so nothing shows. Michael glances at the door before pulling down his sleeve and moving his bracelets, putting his wrist under the faucet and running hot water over them. He clenches his teeth at the pain, he needs to do this for Calum, he can't let him know. No one needs to know.

-

"Hey Michael what took you so long?"

Michael's eyes wonder from the ground up to Luke who's sitting on a black couch with his phone out. "Um," His eyes start to burn with tears again, he turns his head away from Luke. "Nothing much, don't worry about it." The younger boy looks at Michael for a second before nodding and going back to his phone.

He sighs, sitting on a chair away from everyone and pulls out his phone to get his mind off of things. Michael won't go on twitter, on there it's just a mass of hell that's waiting for him so he just uninstalled it. Hasn't been on there in awhile, it's adding to his stress though. He feels like his disappointing people by not tweeting random things, but, what is there even to post about? His depression? His anxiety? Of course not, never in a million years will he be talking about his depression to anyone.

The door opens and footsteps come closer to him making his eyes trail up to meet Calum's face. Michael's heart leaps at the mere sight of him, he gives out one of his rare smiles. Calum's the only sun that's in his world, if he's gone, he has nothing else to live for. "Hey babe." Said Calum before moving Michael's arms out of the way so he can sit on his boyfriends lap. Michael's eyes slightly widen as he realizes what Calum is doing. He clenches his teeth in pain as the boy sits down, he closes his eyes, breathes in and out, telling himself to ignore the pain, ignore the pain, ignore the fucking pain. It worth experiencing for his boyfriends benefit. Michael takes a deep breath before shutting his phone off, wrapping his arms around the tans boy torso, leaning his head against his back. He feels warm hands cover his own and Michael lets out a smile as Calum squeezes the pale boys hand.

"Oh god get a room you two, no one wants to see that." He hears Ashton exclaim as he walks into the room with a plate of food.  
Michael bites his lip, is he that hideous?

"Oi, no one wants to see your face but here we are." Calum retorts, rubbing patterns on Michael's hand. The pale boy almost tears up because it's their way of asking each other if they're okay. He's worried about something utterly useless. Moments like these Michael wishes they were alone so he could just hug him and cry.

"'m fine." Michael mumbles against Calum's back, wincing slightly as the boy moves around in his lap.

"Sorry, sorry, trying to get my phone out of my pocket. Did you get hit in your legs or something Mikey?"

"Uh," Michael blinks at that question. "Yeah I have a bruise on my thigh, don't know where I got it from."

"Oh then I'll get off of you, sorry for making you hu-"

"No, no! It's fine Cal, trust me. It's fine, I'm fine."

"Alright." Said Calum. "But tell me if it gets too painful."  
Michael nods his head, even though Calum can't see it, he can feel it. At times like these, Michael feels whole once more, and not broken.

-

"Today's guest we have 5 Seconds of Summer!" A crowd of people in front of the stage cheer, making Michael nervous, kicking his anxiety into high gear. He fiddles with the end of his t-shirt as he walks out on the small stage, waving at the crowd as he sits down on the couch, next to Calum. The tan boy bumps knees with him, giving him a concern look, Michael brushes it off giving him a smile.

"How are you all today?" The interviewer asks the boys.

They all nod, "I'm pretty good myself." Ashton says.

"Alright, my name is Ari, I'll be hosting today..." Michael dozes off, looking down at the ground, in a daze of nothingness.

His mind wanders off to last nights events.

Michael was heading into the small kitchen their hotel had with a glass cup in hand. He just finished drinking some water, they had no water bottles on them right now so he has to drink from a cup. His eyes linger on the floor as he walks past the living room, hearing Calum in a distant talk on the phone. Michael wonders who it is, then again he's been distancing himself from his own boyfriend to hide his pain. When Michael is close to the sink he hears something that he wishes he didn't.

"Michael.. I don't know what's going on with him. I've seen him come out of the bathroom with red-shot eyes, sometimes a couple of dark red spots on his t-shirt." Michael accidentally drops the cup, making it break into pieces of glass. No, this can't be happening. He tried so hard to hide his pain, hide his mess, hide what he's become. Calum can't know what he's been doing, he'll break up with him.

Michael's eyes fill with tears, as he slowly slides down to the floor, ignoring the heavy footsteps that are coming closer to him. His breath quickens and his throat starts to clench up. No, no please. For the love of god please don't let Calum see him like this. No one can know. He tries to grab something to let it all out, when he fists his hand, all he can feel is pain, pain, and more pain. Tears pour out of his eyes, his wrist already hurt, now this? He lets out a hiccup looking up at the crouching Calum, trying to unfasten his fist. "-hey, hey! Mikey, please listen to me let go of the glass baby. You're hurting yourself, baby please."

Michael licks his lips, he opens his mouth to speak but a sob comes out. "C-Cal it hurts." Hot, wet tears keep pouring from his eyes. He's a mess, he hates it so much, he hates himself. His fist loosens up, dropping the glass, hand covered in blood.

Warm arms wrap around him, pulling him close. His hand is numb, his body is numb, Michael's mind can't process anything right now other than the fact that Calum is seeing one of his attacks. Oh god, he isn't suppose to know. "-Mikey, get up, you need to get up, let's get you to the bathroom."

He stares into Calum's black t-shirt and slowly nods his head. The couple both slowly gets up, Calum immediately wraps an arm around Michael's waist, making sure the boy wont leave his side. Michael just looks at the floor, blaming him for all the mistakes he's done. "I'm so sorry Cal, it's all my fault."

"No, no baby. It isn't your fault." Calum turns on the light in the square bathroom, sitting Michael on the toilet lid. The tan boy grabs lengths of toilet paper and applies water to it before whipping away all the access blood, putting it down on Michael's wound, slowly apply pressure.

At this point Michael is just numb from all the pain that's happening to him, mentally and physically. His eyes keep dropping hot tears, he can't stop. He hates himself so much, so god damn much. Making Calum worry about something useless, something that isn't worthwhile. He blinks away the tears as his boyfriend starts to speak again. "Just, keep applying pressure, I-I'll go get some band-aids. Just stay there, please." Michael slowly nods, putting his other, uninjured hand over the paper towel, slowly applying pressure. He feels a pair of lips on his forehead before he walks away.

He stares at the white bathroom wall, waiting for Calum's return. What seemed like forever to Michael was probably minutes to Calum. The boy came back with a first aid-kit, he placed on the sinks counter and opens it, taking out the needed supplies.

Michael pulls his hand away, letting his boyfriend do the work as he just watches. He clenches his teeth as his wound starts to burn. Get used to it, ignore the fucking pain. The one in your heart is way worse than your hand. Once Calum finishes putting a band-aid on it and everything, he pulls Michael into the living room and sits him on the couch.

He stares at Calum, unsure of what he's about to do. Should he stay and see what he has to say or leave and cut some more for being a mistake? Oh the decisions. The side of his dips down, his boyfriend pulls a blanket over them, wrapping an arm around his waist. "It's okay Michael, you don't have to talk about it." Tears instantly come to his eyes. They fall-

"-ichael, Michael!" He jumps, blinking rapidly trying to get rid of the tears in his eyes. Oh, he zoned out in the middle of the interview.

"Sorry, I, zoned out." Michael fists his hand, digging his finger nails into his skin, punishing himself for zoning out in something important. He jumps when he feels a warm hand on top of his fist. When he looks down, he's almost relived it's Calum.

The interview glances nervously between the boys before asking a question. "So Michael, you haven't tweeted anything in awhile, is there any reason behind that?"

Michael looks around the room before shifting in his seat. Time to lie straight through his smile. "I've been really tired and busy to tweet things, I apologize for that. But, I've decided to take a break from it. I don't really know when I'll be back but yeah."

"Oh, okay, that's good to hear. Now to the next question, Calum, is it true it's almost you and Michael's two year anniversary?"

Calum give the person a big smile, intertwining his and Michael's fingers together. "Yes! I'm very happy about that, I have some things planned for us. It's gonna be great."

Michael lets out a genuine smile, only a smile that Calum can bring out of him. "I'm very excited about it too, I don't know what he has planned for me but, I bet it'll be great."

As the interview went on, Michael barely payed attention unless the question was generally about him or towards him. Slowly, the whole stadium clapped making him jump, tightening his grip on Calum's hand. He stands up, hands still intertwined with Calum's as they walk out from the stage.

Michael lets out a sigh, rubbing his tired eyes with his free hand. He looks over to Calum who's looking at him concernedly. "Are you okay Michael? You look tired, do you want to head back to the hotel so you can rest?"

He looks at Calum like he grew another head, someone's worrying about him? "I'm, I'm fine you guys can go where you want, I'll follow." Michael watches as his boyfriend shakes head.  
"No," Said Calum. "We're going back to hotel room and we're going to watch crap movies while cuddling until you fall asleep and get some rest." He watches as Calum drags him to the car where everyone's waiting.

Michael's confused for many reasons. Why is someone caring about him? Especially if that person is so much more amazing and better than him. He doesn't get this, how has he ended up with someone that's the complete opposite than him?

-

At the hotel, Michael starts to feel anxious, to the point where he wants to throw up and cry. He wants to curl up into a ball and just sob because he knows Calum is catching on, he's going to know, his sun is going to know, his whole world is going to know and Calum will leave him because of how much of a freak he is. Everyone will leave him because he's a huge mistake that shouldn't be alive, Michael isn't worth talking to or caring for. He deserves nothing, not even Calum.

When they enter their hotel room, Michael is about to just run off into the bathroom and cry out of his feelings until he's embraced tightly, with a hand running through his hair. "Wha-"

"Mikey, I'm worried about you. You're being distant from all of us, even me. Is there something wrong? I've seen you come out of bathrooms teary eyed. Are you getting too much hate? Is that why you're not on social media anymore?" Michael's breath quickens, he starts to panic because his throat tightens up even before he speaks.

"I-" A heavy breath breaks his sentence his eyes start to become watery. He buries his head in the crook of Calum's neck, trying to calm himself down because he can't do this in front of Calum. His stomach is in knots, he can't do this, he can't fucking do this. Talking about his problems makes his throat clench up and not being able to even speak. Michael despises it with his whole body, he despises himself.

Michael's arms wraps around Calum like a life source, he grabs onto his shirt like he's going to die if he lets go. He lets out a soft whimper, immediately feeling guilty for being such a bother to someone who's amazing, talented and loved by everyone. The salty tears run down faster as he hears soft words of encouragement in his ear. "It's okay Michael, you don't have to talk about it. All I want you to know is that I am here for you, always."

He lets out a shaky sob of breath, pulling his face from Calum's shoulder, looking up at his boyfriend with a small apologetic smile. "I'm fine Cal, thank you for worrying about me." Michael licks his lips before softly placing his lips upon Calum's. When he pulls away, he rests his head against the others shoulder, breathing in his favorite smell. Michael just wants to be with him forever. Calum is his only ray of sunshine that's in his dark, cold world.

"Can we just," Michael bites his lip. "go to sleep or take a nap, I'm really tired." As soon as Calum nods, he walks towards their hotel room, quickly changing into a pair of sweatpants in the bathroom. When he walks out he sees Calum undress, making Michael's anxiety start to kick in again. Why isn't his body perfectly toned and muscular like his? He lets out a sigh, rubbing his face with both hands as he climbs into the bed, getting under the covers, laying on his side, curled up, waiting for Calum. Michael closes his eyes as he feels the other side of the bed dip. He can feel Calum's warmth radiating from his body from here, it's amazing really, to him.

Once he gets situated, Michael peaks open an eye and scoots over to Calum's side, draping an arm over his torso and placing his head on his shoulder as a pillow. He slightly curls his arm around, to make sure the cuts under his bracelet don't show. Michael opens up his eyes and looks up, to see Calum looking down on him. He gives his boyfriend a small smile, before putting his head back down and eyeing his boyfriends tattoos. He opens his mouth to speak, "I've been having a bad week, I've had to uninstall twitter due to the hate. I," Michael lets out a shaky breath, curling his hand around the sheet. "I know I should ignore it, but it's hard ya know?"

Michael is hating himself even more for lying to his beloved sunshine. It puts a bad taste in his mouth.

-

When Michael wakes up, he expects to be alone, but when he hears a shift in the bed, he looks to his right and sees Calum there, sleeping peacefully in their dark room. He lets out a sigh, sitting up, running a hand through his hair than rubbing his tired eyes. Michael slowly gets off the bed, grabbing his phone from his pockets to check the time. '4:31 A.M.' He groans, walking to the bathroom, flicking on the lights and closes the door behind him. The pale boy leans against the bathroom door, closing his eyes, trying to convince himself, you don't have to tonight, you don't have to. It was an okay day Michael, you don't have to.

'But I want to.' He thinks. Michael's eyes start to water again, this time he wipes them away. He's angry at himself, angry at his feelings, angry at everything. He's made so many mistakes, he shouldn't be cared for. He just feels so empty, he hates it so fucking much, he wants it to go away. Michael wipes his eyes once again before opening the bathroom door, turning off the light and walking out of their room, into the living room and to the balcony door. He glances around to see if there's a light jacket and once he sees one, he snatches it away. When he puts it on, his heart warms up; it's Calum's. It smells like him, his favorite smell.

When he opens the balcony door, he's hit with a soft cold wind. He steps onto the balcony, sitting himself in the one chairs they have placed there. Michael looks up at the dark sky filled with stars, he wishes he was apart of those stars. Oh how badly he wishes to disappear from this world, wishes for the hole in his heart to disappear forever. The emptiness in his body grows everyday, it's irritating because he doesn't know how to stop it. He doesn't know how to stop the burning of nothingness, it's excruciating. Michael feels like a dead body that's incapable of feeling emotions and all empty inside. He want's it to go away, why wont it go away?

-

Michael and the boys are at sound check, and currently it's going bad due to Michael's anxiety. He's singing and he hears laughter, his stomach is in knots. No, no, please. His eyes start to brim with tears, his singing stops, he clears his throat and excuses himself, quickly running to the bathroom. Once he's inside he goes inside a random empty stall, quickly shutting the door. Michael sits on the toilet as he starts to shake, his throat clenches up and he starts to cold sweat. Salty tears start running down his face, he can taste them on his lips. His breathing becomes quicker and heavier, he starts panicking. Before he knows it, he taking deep breaths repeatedly, shaking so bad. Tears keep running down his face as he hyperventilates. He grips the end of his t-shirt and bites down on his bottom lip to keep it quiet but his attempt fails as a sob escapes his mouth.

His whole body rocks back and forth as his breath goes into short pants, his hands go up to his hair and grips it hard. His green dull eyes look down at the floor, trying not to think as hot salty tears just run down his face. Michael clenches his eyes shut, trying to stop the tears that are falling from his eyes. They weren't laughing at you Michael, they weren't laughing at you. He lets out a sob, his hands move to cover his ears, he's a fucking mess. No one can see him like this, no one. Please, no one come in.

"Michael?" His eyes widen, no please don't see me. "I know you're in here Michael, Cal's told me about what's been happening recently." He lets out a sob, immediately covering his mouth. "I know you don't want to talk about it, but just come out of the stall, it's okay." A silent pause happens before a creak of a door opens, a teary eyed Michael comes out, looking at Ashton suspiciously.

"Please, don't tell Calum. I beg you." Is the first thing Michael says when he sees him.

Ashton nods understandingly, "Of course, just between you and me." Michael lets out a breath as he rubs his tired eyes, Calum can never know.

-

His eyes dart back and forth between Calum and Ashton, he's nervous. Both of them have been having a 'staring contest' for the past five minutes. By staring contest he means Calum glaring at Ashton who's just simpling staring back at the guy like it's not effecting him. Michael sighs, rubbing his temple, he's getting a headache. It's been a week and a half since Ashton has found out of his "bad habits" and since then Ashton wont leave him alone whenever he's in public. He'll follow Michael around constantly, checking for any signs of attacks.

Honestly, Michael isn't exactly grateful for the generosity since it's getting annoying. It was better when he was alone and in the dark.

Calum hasn't spoken to him a lot recently, it's making Michael anxious. Did he do something wrong? Is he getting tired of him? Did he find out? Michael's heart stumps at that last thought. Calum should never know, he can't let his sunshine be sad.

He hears Luke clear his throat, he turns his head towards the blonde. "Um, you guys okay? Did Ashton do something?"

Calum lets out a scoff, "Of course he did."

Ashton narrows his eyes at the tan boy, "What do you mean of course? I didn't do anything, you're the one glaring at me for the past two minutes."

Michael slowly tries to curl up into his seat, making Ashton turn to look at him. "Mikey, you okay?"

His eyes stay on Calum, he watches as his boyfriend clench his teeth and fist his hand. "Stay away from my boyfriend." Michael stares in confusion as Calum walks away, slamming the door behind him.

He slowly stands up, shaking, trying to decide if he should leave or not. His gut starts to twist in knots and starts walking quickly out of their dressing room, looking down at the ground as he pushes open the bathroom door, already breathing in large, quick pants. The bathroom door squeaks open, Michael already knows who it is. "Ashton." He turns his head to look at the older boy, who's giving him a worried look.

"You okay?"

Michael grips the edge of the plain white sink, gritting his teeth. "I'm fine." He looks down in the sink, trying to breathe in and out. In and out Mikey, you can do it. He looks up into the mirror and takes in a deep, sharp breath, looking at Ashton through the mirror. "Why are you here?" Says Michael with a small crack in his voice.

"To make sure you're okay, Calum getting mad at me because I'm making sure you're okay isn't going to stop me from coming." Tears start to run down Michael's cheek, he wipes them immediately, angry at himself for being such a crybaby.

He hears footsteps come closer to him and a pair of arms wrap around him, bringing him into warmth. Michael lays his head on Ashton's shoulder as he starts sobbing, keeping his arms at the side because he just doesn't feel like he deserves this kindness. He buries his head in the crook of his friends neck, trying to not let his snot go all over his clean shirt. A hand is placed on his head, soothing whispers in his ear. "It's okay Michael, you're okay, everything is okay. You'll be okay."

The bathroom door squeaks and Michael just doesn't care, he's too tired to care at this point.

"What the fuck is this?" Michael jumps away from Ashton, visibly shaking with wide eyes at he looks at Calum's infuriated face. He moves back to the wall, eyeing Calum. Oh god, does he know? Has he caught onto his actions? Michael's eyes start to blurry with tears as he watches Calum start yelling. "What are you doing with Michael?! Didn't I tell you to leave him alone?" Ashton just stares back at Calum in disappointment. "Don't fucking give me that look Ashton, I want to know what you're doing with my boyfriend."

"I wasn't doing anything to him!" Michael flinches, slowly moving away from the two.

"Look, it's been almost two weeks and you've been around Michael every time we're out in public, do you think I just don't notice?" Calum takes a deep breath in, running his fingers through his hair as he stares between the two. "I don't want to be mean but I'm protective over my boyfriend"

"I understand that man but you don't have to worry about me and him doing anything you don't want." Said Ashton who glances over to Michael who's wiping his eyes with his sleeve.

Michael feels eyes on him which causes him to look up, "'m fine"

The bathroom door opens again to Luke, who's looking around nervously. "Uh guys, we have to get ready for sound check." Michael quickly walks out of the bathroom with his wrist itching and eyes dry. It's all his fault Calum's mad at him.

-

The concert went off without a hitch, Calum still hung around him on stage, it was okay. Except for the fact his scabs got peeled off which made his wrist start to burn again. Michael still thinks its all his fault, he put stress on Calum, he should tell Ashton to stop following him. He instinctively rubs a bead on one of his bracelets as he looks out of the car window. They're going back to their hotel, it's uncomfortably quiet in the car. He sighs, rubbing his tired eyes as he watches the dark town pass by him.

When they get to the hotel, Michael's the first one to get out, he wants get to his room and just lock himself in the bathroom. His wrist itch, badly.

It's quiet in the elevator, it comforts him.

Michael's the one who opens the hotel door, he glances behind Calum who's giving a blank stare. He immediately looks away, quickly walking to their bedroom to be stopped by a hand gripped on his left wrist, he winces. "Where are you going?"

He blinks at Calum who's looking at Michael with questioning eyes. "I'm going to the bathroom, why?"

"Why did you wince when I grabbed you?" Michael starts to get nervous, why is he asking so many questions?

"I-I strained my wrist. It's fine Cal. Can I just go to the bathroom?"

"When?"

Michael gives him a confused look, why is he worrying so much?

"I twisted my hand the wrong way during the concert it's fine."

Calum lets out a sigh and pulls Michael closer to him, wrapping his arms around the pale boy. "You still love me right?"

Michael's eyes widen at that question, what is he thinking? "Of course Cal! I could never get tired of you!" He hears Calum let out a relived breath then a pair of lips against him. "You okay?" He asks when Calum pulls away. The tan male nods, patting Michael's shoulder then walking away into their bedroom.

Michael walks into their bedroom to see Calum going into the bathroom, he huffs, he wanted to get in there first. He flops onto their bed, pulling out his phone and pulls up a mobile app. His phone vibrates, a text from Ashton pops up.

'You okay?'

He groans in annoyance, this dude wont leave him alone. It's annoying, he can't do anything without Ashton checking up on him. Michael replies back with, 'I'm fine, go to sleep' He gets no reply, it's a starter. Calum comes out of the bathroom with wet hair and a towel around his waist.

Michael immediately grabs random pair of clothing and slips into the bathroom. Once he closes and locks the door, the carefully places his razor on the side of the tub. He sighs, sitting on the toilets cover, rubbing his face with his hands before slowly taking off all his bracelets, setting them down on the counter next to him. He slowly turns on the shower, avoiding the spray from his wrists.

Once he's inside the shower and finishes cleaning his hair and body, he picks up his razor he got from the shavers. He holds out his left arm and starts to slowly cut on top of his old scars, he curls his toes in pain as blood starts to seep out quickly. Michael lets out a shaky breath before doing it over and over until he's just left with a red lined wrist that's dripping blood. He lets out a hiss as he puts it under the spray to get rid of the blood, then he moves onto his thighs. Michael cuts deeper here, he doesn't cut because he wants to kill himself, he cuts because he feels like he deserves it. He turns off the water, watching slowly as the blood on his thighs drip down to his calf's and into the tub. Michael sit's on the edge of the tub, grabbing handful of toilet paper, immediately pressing it against his wounds. He sighs, this scene, this routine, has become to familiar with him. Once the blood as stopped, he gets wet toilet paper and wipes off the access blood away than placing the bloody toilet paper into the toilet and flushing it.

Calum can never know.

-

It's been almost a month since the bathroom incident with Ashton and Calum. Michael's convinced Ashton to stop following him every time he leaves. Of course, the guy had to come at the wrong time. It was a normal day for Michael, one anxiety attack, then another one later on in the day.

Then again of course, Ashton wouldn't leave him alone the second time his attack came up.

"Michael, you need to go to a therapist, I'm serious!"  
"I told you Ashton, I'm perfectly fucking fine. No one is getting hurt, Calum doesn't know, he isn't hurt, Luke isn't hurt."  
"Just because other people aren't hurting doesn't mean you aren't! You need professional help, if you won't at least agree to come to one therapy session, I'll tell Calum."  
Michael's eyes widen, no, no no no NO. He can't tell Calum, he can't tell him, absolutely not. He can't see his sunshine loose it's light. "NO," Michael yells out immediately. "I'll go to a therapist just once. Only once. That's it."

Now, Michael has been dragged off to god knows where by Ashton to a place that smelled like bleach. He scrunches up his nose at the smell as he sits in the waiting room as Ashton signs papers. "I hate you for this." Michael grumbles as he sinks lower into his seat as he continuously hears the ticking of an annoying clock.

"You'll be fine, trust me."

Michael rolls his eyes at that statement, yeah sure, telling someone your problems who's a complete stranger is totally not scary and intimidating.

Minutes roll by and a women who looks teary eyed walks out, keeping her eyes on the ground as she leaves. Michael glances nervously at Ashton who doesn't even notice as he's reading a magazine with their faces plastered on the front. Another couple minutes go by and a women comes out with black hair. "Michael Clifford?" He stands up, stretching his arms and letting out a yawn and he trails behind the women who's dressed casually. She brings him to a room that has dim lighting and black couches with a desk and a computer chair.

"My name is Dr. Rose, I'll be your therapist for this session and future ones. Now, Michael," She looks at him in the eye. "Tell me about yourself."

Michael glances around nervously to not meet the eye of the therapist. "Uh," What can he say about himself other than, 'Hi I'm Michael, I'm in a band and I have a boyfriend named Calum. I also have depression, go me!' "Well, I'm in a band called 5 Seconds of Summer. I have a boyfriend named Calum and that's pretty much it."

"On the subject of the band and traveling, does it make you stressed?"

He blinks, does it make him stressed? "Well I guess, I can't sleep sometimes." More like always.  
The therapist watches him closely. "What do you feel about your appearance?"  
"I don't like it." Michael stares at the floor, hoping for her to just go away. He wants to cry.

"Do you self harm?"  
He clenches his jaw at that question, he doesn't give an answer, he doesn't want to answer. It's not embarrassing it's more like he's afraid of what would happen if he did answer.  
"What about your boyfriend? Is he okay?"  
Michael looks up at the women, finally something he can talk about. "He's great! I love him a lot, he really makes me happy. But he isn't the one that's with me right now."  
"Why is that?"  
Once again he ignores the question, he doesn't want his situation to go into a drastic complication. The session slowly rolls on with Michael not answering to most of the ladies questions, obviously uncomfortable being in the room with her, like she's going to pry into his mind and know his deepest, darkest secrets.

When the session ends, Michael's relived, it was torture, he hated it so much. The therapist continues to talk to Ashton when he comes into the room about what Michael has and what he can do to help him.

When they're in the car, Ashton speaks. "It wasn't that bad." Michael glares at him in the corner of his eye, it was complete torture, he hated it, he despises therapy.

-

"I'm home!" Michael closes the door to their hotel, shrugging off his jean jacket and laying it on the counter in the kitchen. He gets no reply. "Calum?" He walks into their bedroom to see him sitting on their bed. "Hey, I'm home." Calum doesn't look up at him, Michael panics. "Cal? What's wrong?" He walks over to the tan boy, squatting down to look at Calum's face, he sees tear, his heart stops. "Calum? What's wrong?" Michael lays a hand on Calum's shoulder for it only to be smacked off, his eyes widen, did he do something wrong?

"I've been thinking about it for a couple weeks now." Calum started talking and Michael's heart started racing, as he found out how much of a freak he is? Did he find out about his wrists? "I think we should be put on break for awhile Mikey, maybe until a month I don't know." Michael's eyes widen at that statement. No, no what did he do? His heart hurts, it hurts so bad.

"W-what did I do?" He shakily says as he looks down at the ground, tears threatening to spill over his eyes.

"You've been hanging around Ashton a lot, it's made me think, you've grown tired of me and that's okay." Calum tilts Michael's head up and gives him a watery smile as tears stream down his face. Michael's eyes are already pouring out tears, no please, please let this be a prank, please let this be a dream. "You could've told me, it'd been fine." Michael lets out a hiccup, his bottom lip quivering, hoping to fucking god this is a dream, this is a nightmare. "I'll get another hotel room when we leave to the UK tomorrow. It's okay." He feels a pair of lips against his forehead and a pat on his head. "I'll sleep on the couch tonight."

Michael's breath starts to turn into heavy pants as Calum leave the room, he's alone in the room, all by himself, crying his eyes out on the bed. His hand is placed over where his heart is, he grips his shirt, why does his heart hurt so much? It hurts so bad, its unbearable. He's lost his sun, his world, his whole fucking universe. Michael has lost the only string that connected him to the world. He can't live without Calum by his side, without him being there to hold him at night, he can't stand the world without his sunshine with him. His heart hurts so bad, it feels like someone just cut it open and left him there to die.

He slips out his phone, his hands shake every second a he tries to call Ashton. The phone rings for a couple seconds and he hears his best friends worried voice. "Michael? You okay?" He opens his mouth to speak but a loud sob escapes his mouth making him slip out more tears.

"Mikey! What's wrong?"

He shakes his head, rubbing his eyes with his t-shirt. "I-I'm sorry Ash, I can't live without Calum."

"What? No Mich-" He hangs up, leaving his phone on the empty bed as he walk slowly to the bathroom. He shuts the door and lock it.

Michael slides down the door, covering his face with his arms and he lets out sobs, his shirt is soaked in different spots now, he's a fucking mess. He rips off all his bracelets in frustration, grabbing the razor from his jean pocket, immediately slicing his wrists, quick and deep. Michael lets out a loud sob, he does it again and again. He does this all over his wrist and arm until the floor, his jeans and parts of his shirt is covered with drops of dark red blood, he slowly stands up, opening up the cabinet of the bathroom mirror and grabs random pill bottles that are stored in there. Taking multiples out of each container he quickly swallows them all, handful at a time, he blinks as he stares at the bathroom.

Pounds of fists are heard on the bathroom door, he genuinely laughs. 'It's too late.' Michael thinks to himself. 'It's already too late to save me.' He takes a look at his wrist and cuts again and again until he can't feel his left hand, he sighs, dropping the razor down to the ground and sits himself on the ground, watching as blood trails from his wrist down to the ground. Michael slowly closes his eyes, then opens them again looking at the door that's being beat on. He smiles and watches as the door flies open with Ashton standing in the doorway with a panicked expression. His smile disappears as he sees Calum standing behind him with Luke. Michael lets the last of his tears fall as he closes his eyes for the last time, listening to his band-mates call out his name.

-

He open his eyes groggily, squinting at the bright light, he raises his left arm to cover his eyes and groans. "Calum turn off the lights." Michael closes his eyes again and turns to his side to be stopped by a wire poking his side. He opens his eyes, blinking a few times to be met with his ex-boyfriend sitting on a uncomfortable looking chair, passed out with Ashton and Luke in the same situation. Michael looks around, he hears people talking and someone throwing up. His eyes widen, no, he was suppose to die. He looks at his wrists, they're covered in bandages, he looks at the monitor that shows his heart beat. For the love of god why is he still alive?

There's a curtain covering him that's somewhat hiding away the bright light from the desk. He sighs and sits up, stretching his back, his eyes trail to Calum. He watched as his chest fall up and down. Michael's eyes tear up and he brings up his knees to curl up into a ball and starts crying. Tears stream down his face and he tries to steady his breathing, don't let them notice, don't let them notice no matter what. His chest becomes heavy, his throat clenches up, he covers his nose and mouth with the hospital blanket that's been provided to him. Michael squeezes his eyes shut, he wants to die, he just wants to fucking die. There's nothing left for him to live for. Calum left him, he left him because such a worthless person, he's a freak, he doesn't deserve love, he doesn't deserve Calum.

A groan interrupts Michael, he stays still, watching Calum as he shifts in the chair. His heart is filled with nervousness as he watches Calum sit up and stretch. Tears keep falling from his eyes as he watches the boy check his phone. He lets out a yawn and looks over to Michael, his eyes widen as he sees Michael staring right back at him. "M-Michael?"

Michael curls up tighter in a ball, don't touch me, don't ask me questions, please. "Michael, sit up, please, let me see your face." His heart breaks into two as he hears a crack in Calum's voice. He sits up slowly, looking down at the bed, he doesn't want to see his face. Calum rests his hand upon Michael's, "I'm so sorry I didn't notice."

"It's not your fault. I didn't mean for you to know about this, it's only something sm-"

"It's not something small that you can deal with alone Michael!" Calum slightly raises his voice. "If I only knew, I wouldn't have gotten so jealous of you being around Ashton a lot."

"I'm sorry." Michael states down at his lap, trying to not let tears spill over.

"For what?"

"For being a freak, for being a huge disappointment, I'm not worth anyone's time." His voice cracks at the end and tears are already running down his cheeks, his body shakes as he sniffles wiping the tears away. "I'm insane because I hurt myself, no one deserves me. You're so much better without me."

"Michael, baby." Calum scoots closer to Michael. "You're none of those things, you have an illness that you couldn't help get. I would never think you're a freak. Never would I leave you."

Tears seep faster down his cheeks as he looks up at Calum. "Really?" Michael's voice sounds so broken, so hopeless, so soulless. Calum's heart breaks into two as he hears that word. "I-I thought you'd leave me Cal, you're my only source of life. I was so scared."

Calum brings Michael into a hug, whispering softly in his ear. "It's okay baby, we can get through this, together. I won't ever leave you."

-

Michael fiddles with his fingers as the doctor talk to Calum, who's standing outside the wide room in the E.R. He watches as Calum's mouth moves, he sighs, laying his head on the pillow provided him in the hospital. Luke and Ashton had to leave since there can only be one person staying over night with him. The doctor and Calum come back "So, Mr. Clifford, since you tried to commit suicide we'll keep you here overnight and then tomorrow, we'll transfer you to another hospital that'll help you get medication. The psychiatrist will be here in a couple minutes." The doctor nods at both of them before leaving. Michael turns to Calum who's looking down at the ground with a thinking face.

"What's wrong?" Michael asks softly making Calum look up, the tan boy gives him a soft smile.

"It's nothing, I just, I want you to get better." He nods, looking up at the clock on the wall, bored out of his mind, listening to the tiny ticks.

When the psychiatrist comes, he starts asking annoying questions that make Michael want to kill himself even more. "Why did you self harm?" "How did it make you feel?" "What thoughts were going through your head when you tried to commit suicide?"

The whole hospital gave him so much boredom he wanted to kill himself even more. He couldn't have his phone or even a plastic knife to cut the horrible meat they give him for dinner. He wanted to get out of here so bad.

-

The next day went slower than he wanted, it dragged on so long that he just wanted to go home and cry then sleep for a very, very long time. Calum's on a chair, texting someone, probably Ashton. A police officer comes into his room with a bag of clothes, Michael instantly sits up, is he leaving? He sees Calum turn off his phone and sit up, looking at the police officer. "Here's your clothes sir." The officer sits the bag down on Michael's bed. "We'll be leaving in about thirty minutes at most, you'll be riding with me, your friend can also come along but in a different vehicle." Michael nods slowly, as he stands up, stretching from the long ass sit. He grabs the bag of clothes, holding the back of the hospital gown together so it doesn't open and quickly skitters away to the bathroom with his hospital socks on.

When he enters the bathroom, he closes the door, dropping the bag on the floor before opening it and taking out a pair of black jeans, a random black t-shirt and his jean jacket with a pair of black converse. Michael silently thanks Ashton for bringing him new pair of clothes, his other ones probably are covered in blood. He dresses quickly, running his fingers through his hair in the mirror, he hasn't taken a shower in a day, he feels dirty. When he walks out of the bathroom, someone grabs his hand and drags him off to the corner near the bathroom. Michael looks at Calum about to make a retort before a pair of arms wrap around him and pull him into a warm chest. He blinks, what is this for? Michael's uncomfortable, how does he show affection again?

"I love you Mikey, I love you so much, please don't forget that." Calum pulls away, gently placing his lips upon Michael's with a shaky sigh. Michael wants to cry, why does someone so perfect in every way love him?

When Calum pulls away, Michael instinctively pressing their lips together again, tangling his fingers in Calum's soft hair with his eyes closed, enjoying this moment, treasuring it forever. God he loves this boy way too much. His eyes tear up as he pulls back, looking at Calum's face as a lone tear falls down his cheek, Michael whispers softly, "I love you too Calum, so fucking much." At that moment, Michael's world instantly turned from dark to bright as Calum gave him the widest, most happiest smile he's ever seen. He lets tears slip down his cheeks as he gives Calum a soft smile in return.

Holy shit he's so in love.

-

Michael stands behind the police officer as he grabs files. "Okay, time to go." He follows behind the police officer as they go through hallways filled with people, Michael glances at all of them, his anxiety kicking into full gear, do they see the white cloth on his wrists? Are they judging me? Oh god I'm such a freak. Michael wishes he could shrink. He misses Calum by his side.

When they get to the car, the police officer opens the backseat door for him and Michael gets in, quietly putting on his seat-belt as he waits for the officer to come in. The ride is long and boring, but at least he has a window to look out of. They drive for almost thirty minutes, Michael sighs, he wishes he had his phone so he could text Calum.

The ride gives him a headache since on the windows are metal bars that fuck with his vision, he sighs, rubbing his temples with this fingers, letting out a soft groan of annoyance as the car stops harshly. He looks up to see they're here, in front of a hospital called Holly Hills Hospital, there's something strange about it, it doesn't really look like a hospital?

Michael follows the officer into the building looking around, seeing sitting areas with only one person in it. He goes into another room and the officer tells him to sit down, so he sits. He looks up at the flat screen on the wall, reading the captions they have displayed, he lets out a sigh, glancing back at the officer who's giving papers to the nurse behind the counter. The door opens, Calum walks in, looking around and lets out a smile as he sees Michael, walking towards him. When Calum sits down next to him, Michael immediately attaches to his side, laying his head down on Calum's shoulder and has his legs lied across his lap. Calum gives him a smile, "Missed me?" Michael nods his head, breathing in his favorite scent of all time.

"Yes," Michael breathes out, closing his eyes. "A lot." He sits there, watching Calum play a random game on his phone, waiting for something to happen. (He honestly doesn't know what's going to happen to him) Five minutes pass by and his name is called by the nurse behind the counter, he untangles himself from Calum, slowly walking towards the counter.

"I'm gonna need you to stand still so I can take a picture." Michael blinks, a picture? For what? He sighs, oh well, he's used to having photos taken of him. He gives the camera a small smile, if this was for the fans, he would've done another pose. The women checks the photo's and does some things on a computer before leaving the counter and reappearing next to the door that beeped. "Come with me." Michael looks back at Calum who gives him a thumbs up, he lets out a shaky sigh as he follows the women into another small room. "Sit down on that chair for me boy." Michael sits, he watches the women grab some things before sitting down next to him with a small machine. She wraps a brace around his upper arm, oh, she's checking his blood pressure. The women makes a few jokes here and there making Michael chuckle at them, after his blood pressure is taken, he follows her into another room with a round table and four chairs around it, he sits in one as the women takes the one across from him.

Then she starts asking questions that tick Michael off. They go into deep description of what his depression is like, does he self harm, does his emotions change quickly, it annoys him. Of course, he has to answer these so he has to stick with the pain of someone knowing his secrets. When the questions are over and the worksheets are completed she glances around the room before asking him a question in a soft kind voice. "The boy that you were with, he's your boyfriend right?" Michael nods immediately, he doesn't know what this has to do with his depression? "I'll bring him in here for you before we get started talking about where you're going." She gives him a smile and Michael swears to god he's about to cry because this is the most best thing that ever happened to him.

"Thank you." He whispers wiping his coming on tears with jacket sleeve. The women pats his shoulder softly before getting up and leaving the room. Footsteps enter the room and turns his head to see Calum there, walking towards him, he waves slightly at his boyfriend as he sits down in the chair next to him, grasping onto his hand. Michael sighs, as Calum kisses the side of his head and ruffles with his hair.

"What did she ask?"

He gives his boyfriend a shrug, "Just questions about my depression."

There's silence until the women walks back into the room with two folders, she sits down across from them, giving them both a soft smile. "This folder is for you, and the other one is for your boyfriend." She points them out and hands Michael's one before opening up Calum's folder. "In this folder is what Michael will be doing like his schedule. There's also what the hospital is all about and what the system like here is. There is also a sheet where it tells you what you can bring in and what you can't. On the schedule, there's a number for you and other people who want to visit him." The women points at the number. "This number is required to call or visit Michael when calls and visits are allowed." Michael's heart stops, when they're allowed? He won't be with Calum? Michael's throat clenches and his stomach turns into knots, his grip on Calum's hand tightens as he looks down at the table, trying to stop the tears. He doesn't want to be alone, he doesn't want to go some place where he know no one. God it sounds like hell.

He wipes his tears immediately before looking up and continuing to listen to what the women has to say.

When the women finishes talking, she stands up, "I'm going to get one of the workers to guide you to the room you'll be in." Michael nods and as soon as the women leaves he turns to Calum and buries himself in a hug, breathing in Calum's scent, trying to make his brain remember it because god damn, he doesn't want to leave Calum. Being side by side each other for over ten years and finally going somewhere without him is driving him nuts.

A hand is placed in his hair. "It's okay Mikey, you're going to be okay." Michael shakes his head as he buries his head into Calum's shoulder as tears fall down his cheeks, he tries to hide them. "You're going to be fine, I'll visit you every single day I promise. I'll even drag Luke and Ashton along with me if you want, we'll play some games or joke around. It's okay baby. You're going to be okay here, they're going to get you medication so you feel better." Michael shakes his head again as he tries to hold in a sob.

"I don't wanna leave you, please don't leave me here."

It breaks Calum's heart to see Michael like this, he of course, doesn't want to leave him here, but he has it. "I'm so sorry, I have to leave when she gets someone because I can't go."

Michael lets out a sigh as he pulls away, rubbing his eyes with his shirt, looking at Calum's face before pressing his chapped lips against Calum's, wrapping his arms around his neck loosely. He's going to miss him so fucking much.

-

He follows the young women into a big room as she unlocks the doors with a small key. The doors are mechanically locked, he sighs, great, he feels like a prisoner. "You'll be in room 403, I'll be right back with a piece of paper." He nods, he's so sick of paperwork. Michael looks at the room he's staying in, he blinks, two beds? He's sharing a room with someone? Great. The women comes back into the room and shuts the door behind her. "I'll need you to take off your clothes except for undergarments. Are you okay with a women or would you like a male?"

Michael shakes his head, "I'm fine." He starts to take off his shirts and pants, leaving him standing there in his underwear. Oh, the girl is marking his scar marks, how lovely. He watches as she marks them, damn he has a lot. The paper has just a picture of a human body outline and she's putting lines on the places his scars are. She nods and tells Michael to put back on his clothes.

"If you'd follow me please." She says as he finishes dressing. He follows her out of his room and into a room with chairs against the wall and a flat screen t.v. protected by plastic glass. He raises his eyebrow at that, why do they need that? He sits down on the chair that's around a circle table. She sits down next to him, "Can you remove your eyebrow piercings? There's no piercings allowed here and take off your shoes laces." Michael blinks, um, what is this for? He does it anyway, dropping his eyebrow piercing into a little bag and his shoelaces into another bag. She hands him a stretchable lookalike lace that's a short straight line. It's black. "You can put those on, would you like something to drink?" He shakes his head as he puts on the 'laces' notices she has them on too.

"If you'd fill out this form." She hands him a pen and paper. He notices the questions are about his coping skills. 'With Calum Hood.' is what he writes on all the questions. Michael smirks as the women takes back the paper. Now Calum will have to be with him. "Alright, if you could just take a shower and you're good to go. You can wait in your room for the other people to come back for the session." Michael blinks, session? What? "You'll find towels and a bucket filled with your needs on your bed."

When walks into his room to take a shower, he groans as when he's in front of the bathroom, that's connected to the room, that there's no door but only a curtain. He sighs, lovely.

Michael takes of his shoes and socks outside the bathroom and enters it, pulling the curtain back after he cracks his rooms door. He turns on the light and looks in the shower finding only one knob for hot and cold, he turns the water to the red side. When he looks down he sees a spider on the shower floor, he jumps and immediately gets his shoe to smack it. When will he ever fucking get peace and quiet?

-

After he took a shower, he followed a women into a room for laundry and he throws his towels in there. "You can wait in your room or in the quiet room until the others come back from the session with the therapist." He nods, quietly walking into the small room that's near the entry way which is the quiet room. Michael sits down and takes a deep breath before bursting into tears, his heart hurts. He misses Calum so much, he misses Ashton and Luke and just everyone, he wants to go back to Calum, he wants to just sleep forever in his arms and never wake up. He tries to stifle his noises as the front desk in next to the room he's in.

Michael's heart quickens up as he hears a door open and bunch of voices. He breathes in and breathes out, trying to stop his tears, when he closes his eyes he starts crying again. Michael sobs, he wants to fucking leave. He watches the strangers walk past his room, one person comes in, he looks eighteen. The stranger holds out a bag of Frito's, "Do you want some?" Michael's eyes widen, what is he suppose to do? He just stares at the person in confusion until one of the staff comes up and starts speaking.

"Cameron, don't give him any food, you don't know if they're allergic to it or not!"

He watches as the two strangers walk away, he's left alone, again. Michael sighs, looking down at his hands then sees his scabs and grits his teeth in anger. This is the reason he's in this shit hole. Michael grips his hair in frustration, he just wants out of here, he just wants fucking out of here. He want's to be with Calum, not with a bunch of strangers he doesn't know. He's not good with socializing. Michael starts to watch the people at the front desk and staff going back and forth. A women with platinum blonde hair passes by and notices him, he wants to shrink into nothingness. Please don't talk to me, please don't-

"What's your name?"

"Um, Michael." He looks up at the women who gives him a soft smile, she looks like she's in her late forties.

"Did you just get here?" Michael nods slowly as he watches her sit in the chair across from him. "Do you know how the system works in this hospital?" He shakes his head, he didn't bother reading the folder because he was too busy crying his eyes out like a little baby. "I'll get Destiny to tell you about it, she's real nice. Now, don't worry, the staff are really nice people, they won't hurt or judge you." Michael's shoulders relax slowly, finally he's some place where people won't judge him. She stands up and walks out of the small room. "Destiny, can you teach this young man how the hospital system works?"

He hears a 'yes ma'm' and someone else walks into the room, it's the same girl who gave him paperwork. "Hello Michael, my name is Destiny. Do you know why you're here?"

Why is he here again? Oh right. "I was in the hospital due to my attempt of suicide. I don't really know why I'm here other than that, I just wanna go home and sleep with my boyfriend."

"The reason why you're here is because we're trying to find a right medication so you won't feel these thoughts again. The system only last a couple of days so you don't have to worry about being here forever."

Michael lets out a big sigh, "Thank god, the whole reason I was so scared was because I thought I'd be taken away from everything."

Destiny gives him a soft laugh shaking her head. "Nah, don't worry. Only if you act up, you'll be out here in a couple of days." She goes on to tell him the ranks of this hospital, one is where you're a rookie and trying to know the base of your problems, the second part is intermediate, where you try to focus on how to solve your problem, the third part is expert where you start taking medication. "You don't have to do these and the doctor might skip you just to the third part of the cycle." Michael can safely say that he walked out of that small room feeling calmer then when he walked in there.

-

When Michael joins the others is when it's outside time, where everyone goes outside. They have a basketball court out there and some other stuff, he just sits in the shade. It's summer, like hell he's going out in the sun. He stares at the people playing basketball in silence as the others talk until someone gets his attention. "Hey new person, aren't you in that band called 5 Seconds of Summer?"

Michael looks over to the guy who asked that, the guy looks seventeen. "Um, yea."

The guy's eyes widen. "That's so cool! Do you meet a lot of people? Is it cool to travel around the world?"

"Well, I do meet a lot of people but when I travel a lot I miss my family at home." His voice gets quiet towards the end of that sentence. Does his parents know about him being in the hospital? Oh god that puts an unsettle feeling in his stomach. He sees a girl who looks nineteen scratch at her self harm scabs that are all over her arm. "Oh, me too." He raises his arm that's covered in deep cuts with stitches here and there. Overall there's scabs on his cuts. He tore off the bandage before he got in the shower. The girls in her, pajamas? They can bring clothes?

The girl raises her head to stare at his cuts. "Michael right?"

"Yeah, what about you?"

She gives him a soft smile, "Laken."

"Hey what room are you in?"

Michael tries to remember, what room number is he in? "Uh 404 I think? That's the one near the big two doors right?"

The boy lets out a laugh, "Laken you got a roommate now." The guy wiggles her eyebrows at her before Laken slaps his head.

"Shut the hell up Brandon." Michael chuckles, he's starting to like everyone.

"Don't worry, I have a boyfriend." The three there turn their heads towards him.

He gets loads of questions like, "Who is it?" "Holy fuck have you gotten laid yet man?" "Who tops?"

Michael starts laughing and in the corner of his eye he can see the staff who's watching them start to chuckle. "It's Calum Hood, the other guy in my band. He's a great guy, I love him a lot."

One of the guys, who Michael recognizes, who was playing basketball comes over and sits down near Michael. He holds out the Frito's bag again towards Michael. "Want some?"

He gives him a shrug, "Sure." Michael grabs a few before placing them into his mouth.

Brandon points out everyone for Michael. "That guy is Alex, don't make him angry though, he has bipolar. The other guy, his name is Quentin, he also has depression. Hmm, the other guy's name is Daniel, he has bipolar depression. There's also someone who isn't here, she's sleeping her name is Elizabeth. She has schizophrenia, the girl thinks she's here just to get medication and will be gone the next day." Brandon lets out a snort. "Can you believe that?"

"What about you?"

"Me? I have ADHD. I'm also really funny." He gives Michael a wink causing him to laugh.

Laken snorts and rolls her eyes. "I have depression. What about you famous boy?"

"Depression." Michael looks over at the quiet boy who's sitting near him. "What do you have?"

Cameron's head snaps up to look at Michael's. "Same as you. We're all the same."

"Oh that's Cameron, he's cool. He's really good at drawing. In art therapy he'd draw some really cool anime characters! I forgot which ones though, they were amazing!" Michael chuckles, he might actually like it here.

-

After going outside was Art therapy, where you just drew. Brandon made him sit near him to watch Cameron draw, he had to be honest, the dude could draw really well. He wishes he had talents like that other than singing and playing a guitar. After Art they were sent to go back to their rooms to shower, Laken told him the schedule even though it was in the folder. The shower was horrible if he had to be honest, there was no edge at the bottom of the shower so water got onto the floor so he had to wipe it up so he wouldn't slip. The shampoo/conditioner they gave them in little packets were weird, they also gave him deodorant in small packets too he had to rub it on his armpit. He tells himself to remind Calum to get that for him.

Now he's sitting on his bed with Laken at the doorway, talking to Brandon who's in the room across from them. They're waiting for dinner, Brandon said that they wait for an hour and a half. He sighs, standing up and stretches to stand behind Laken.

"Oh hey Michael! We were talking about this fight that happened earlier today. Dude, you should've seen it!"

Michael smiles, "Maybe I'll get to see one tomorrow."

"Do you have anyone visiting you today?" Asks Laken who leans on the door frame to look at him.

He gives her a nod. "Yeah, Calum. Maybe my other band mates. I think for certain they are coming." An uneasy feeling settles in his stomach. "What about you?"

She shakes her head. "My family lives four hours away from here, but my Momma is coming tomorrow to give me clothes."

Michael looks at Brandon. "And you?"

"I don't really know." He shrugs. "My parents just threw me in here but my brother tries to visit frequently during his job." Michael moves away from the door as he sees one of the staff walk down.

"You guys better not be standing in the doorway! Get back in your rooms!"

"Aw, Trisha you're no fun!" He hears Brandon yell out. Michael lets out a laugh, he starting to love the friends he's made already.

-

Dinner time comes, they have to line up and wait for everyone else. They walk in a line as the staff unlock the doors with their electric key. When they get to the cafeteria, it's not what Michael thinks. It has wood flooring with green and blue wall colors and square tables with four chairs in random places. He follows everyone as they walk into the over side of the room that's blocked by a wall, there's a cook with food out and ready for everyone. Michael grabs a blue tray and a plate, just taking everything they give, as a drink he gets water. He follows Brandon to a table near the window, they start talking immediately as Cameron and Laken sit down at the table.

After dinner they walk to the gym, the gym just has a basketball court with a small soccer goal net in the left corner. He sits by the box with tons of sport balls in it, which is by a big window where he can see people drive in and out. Brandon is sitting next to him, playing with a volleyball. "You'd expect me to play sports since I have ADHD but I don't, I've never really liked sports." Cameron is also with them, watching everyone play. "Visiting hours are at six Michael, you got another thirty minutes."

Michael scowls. "I know, I just," He lets out a sigh as he sits down. "I wanna make sure he comes." His eyes start to sting as he thinks about him being left here, Michael immediately wipes his eyes, letting out a breath of air.

"Don't worry Michael! He'll come, if he doesn't you can call him!" That makes Michael's uneasy feeling settle down, only by a little bit.

Thirty minutes pass and it's 6:05, Michael is panicking as he watches people come in and none of them are Calum. Is going to leave him here? He watches as some people leave to go to their visits. His eyes start to blur and his throat clenches up, no no, don't fucking cry, please. He wipes his eyes with his sleeve as he continues to watch people pull up. After another five minutes Michael gives up and sits back down, his breath becoming deep and quick. He pulls his knees up and hides his face as a few tears slip down his face, he wipes his face on his jeans. Michael lets out a breath of air as he looks and watches people play basketball.

"Hey, hey Michael! Don't worry it's okay! You're not alone, I promise buddy." Michael looks over at Brandon who's giving him a worried face. He immediately turns away, people just telling him that it's okay makes him want to cry even more.

The staff tell them to line up, Michael panics, is he going to leave him here?

As soon as they're about to walk out of the gym, a lady comes and asks for certain people. Michael's mood instantly shoots up as he hears his name. He's practically bouncing on his feet as they walk to the visiting area. It's full of people but he doesn't care because he can see Calum! When the women unlocks the door and opens it, Michael rushes to Calum, practically tackling the guy over, he wraps his arms tightly around his boyfriend, god he's missed him. His eyes start to water as he breathes in the familiar smell. Michael starts to sob making Calum tighten his grip on him, petting his hair. "I've missed you." Michael finally chokes out those words. "I've missed you so much, I wanna go home Cal." His voice cracks at the end of the sentence. "Why can't you take me home?" Tears slip down his face as he buries his face in the crook of Calum's neck. "Please don't leave me here." Michael's voice sounds so broken, so alone, so tired.

"Calm down Mikey, you're okay." Calum pulls Michael away from him and wipes the pale boys tears away. "You're okay, you're doing great! You've made this far, I'm proud of you." He gives Michael a smile. "Now sit down, tell me what's happened so far." 

Michael goes onto telling his boyfriend about everything that's been happening. About the friends he has made and the staff, the spider in the shower, how water leaks down onto the ground when you shower. 

An amount of time passes, when Michael looks back at the clock hanging on the wall his heart clenches, he looks back at Calum. He only has ten more minutes with the love of his life. Michael tries not to let his tears fall down as he realizes he's going to be left alone, again.

"Hey Michael! It's okay, trust me." Calum gives him a smile which he can't return back. Michael just gives him a silent nod as the women from the staff says that visiting is over. His best friend stands up, kissing his forehead and walks out of the visiting area. 

Michael walks behind the women as she walks him back to the area he's suppose to be. He just wants to go home. 

(Hello, this is the author and please read the notes at the end of this story! It'll explain why there's a few day time skip)  
Time skip: nine days later. 

Words can't describe how tremendously happy he is. Michael finally get's to leave this god forsaken place and go back to Calum. Over the past day's he's been given medication which worked great for him, most of the friends he's made so far have already left, now all he needs to do is wait for someone to pick him up. Michael's already gotten all his things and is waiting in the group therapy that's going on. 

His eye's brighten up as he sees Calum walk into the room. Michael immediately jumps up when he hears the women says his name, he runs over to Calum and hugs him tightly. Calum gives him a big laugh, and pats his back. "I've missed you too." 

A lady comes up to them and tells them to follow her, when they do, they sit down and she goes over paperwork which make Michael doze off. His heart skips when he thinks about all the things he and Calum can do after he gets out of here. 

After all the paperwork is done, Michael grabs his things and walks out of the hospital with Calum. As soon as they walk out of the door of the hospital, Michael kisses Calum on the lips, sighing contently as he pulls away, giving his boyfriend a huge smile. "Thank you." His eyes beam with happiness as he looks into Calum's eyes. "I love you so much." 

"And I love you too." Calum grasps Michael's hand and intertwines their fingers together, giving it a small squeeze. 

Fuck he's so in love.

**Author's Note:**

> hello this is the author and im going to say some shit so PLEASE READ THIS thank you.   
> as you can probably tell this story is rushed, towards the end its rush because i lost all motivation to write the whole story i had so many ideas like I was going to have all of 5sos do a livestream where they explain everything and why they havent been doing shows and im so sorry i couldnt do that. i just lost all inspiration for this story. i put my heart and soul into the story until towards the end. to me the ending is just so ugly i was going to end it where calum visited michael but that was just too ugly the ending is just ugly and written horribly i hate it. 
> 
> so here is this story i wish i could write more but i cant im deeply sorry. at the start of this i wanted this to be a beautiful story explaining what i went through last year but i suck ass at writing i'm JUST starting high school after this summer break. sO UGLY AMIRITE   
> anyway i hope you enjoyed this story even though the story was rushed and i just want to say this: luke and ashton aren't suppose to be mains for this story even though they were in it think of them as side characters im sry i love them!! 
> 
> for the ending of the story i was gonna make it so that like calum proposed or kissed michael on stage for their first concert after michael got out but as you can see i lost inspiration. IM SO BAD IM SOS SORY I LOVE YOU ALL and i hope you enjoyed this story PLEASE leave reviews and kudos and maybe even share the story idk


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